I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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