I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
