I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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