so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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