M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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