She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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