I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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