bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
