its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They have beer where we have blood.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
