When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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