Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
