I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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