I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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