I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
