what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
