I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i would punch a child for taco bell
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
