I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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