I wish I could teleport
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
