Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
