I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
the raccoons are back...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
