we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
