i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
