I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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