Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That's how pantless uber rides happen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
