I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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