Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
