Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
