Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
