I am puke
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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