Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
