Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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