My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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