My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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