My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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