i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize