The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
