i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
