You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
