Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
