He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
