Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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