too bad you live with your parents still
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
