you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
