Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
