I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Vodka?
Forever.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
