Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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