i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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