i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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