Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
