i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
