Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
