I'm gonna have a badass scar
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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