I've blown a few things in my day
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
