Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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