so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize