Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
