Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
