i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
