I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
MIDGETS
????
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
