'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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