Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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