I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I see more hoeing in ur future
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